Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Still no trust

Someone once told me not to seek for trust but for safety
No matter how much I lust for that trust lately
I just gotta wait, I just gotta wait see
My wife's approval is the only thing I'm chasing
But it should be the glory of the Father
The story goes farther
Wait a little longer
Get a little stronger
How does one help change another's frame of mind
When they know their gender helped frame your mind?
They stained your mind
They chained your mind
Let's get it back!
Fight with me
Not against me

This thing isn't over
But I'll never stop

I normally rhyme more but right now I'm hurting. I have never been so happy in my life on so many levels! I am 2 weeks from hitting a year sober, just received a contract for full time employment with benefits, just set plans for an amazing summer trip, wife just got called into the relief society presidency and we have been fighting harshly. The irony is astonishing and appalling. The emotional pain is more than I've born before. She hurts so she hurts. I hurt her and it hurts me. Irony.

Recovery is real and I will testify to that with all my heart because I haven't been at this level of control since I was early in my mission. I have changed and am changing daily. Recovery is real, but the devil is too. His work and his workers are everywhere. I know this and she knows this now as well. It tears at her because she sees it EVERYWHERE too. If I see it or she thinks I see it then the day is ruined, she's pissed, and I'm an awful husband. The only thing is, this wonderful program the church has created helps change not only your mind but your thought process about thinking. I now have the ability to take my thoughts and manage them, not be destroyed by them.

She doesn't get that. I pray hard everyday that she will. I pray the Lord will help her and that she will accept it. It will happen, I know it will.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Roc, I am almost 4 years into recovery after discovering my husband's addiction. Trust will come. Keep fighting the fight. It is hard for us because everything that we believed in we saw come crashing down. The building up process is happening, even though she doesn't see it. Be patient, love her, give her lots of validation of where you are in your recovery(this is SUPER IMPORTANT!!!). Be ferociously honest about anything and everything. And trust her. My husband didn't see it right off, but he didn't trust me. It comes. There is a lot of healing coming and a lot of happiness. The Atonement is real. Change is real. Healing is real. Trust will come!! Congratulations on your year mark! That is HUGE!!!