The Otherside

I began changing from writing to rhyming to recording some of my feelings with my actual voice. I hope this Remix of Otherside by Macklemore will help someone understand where I came from and where we can go. The change is within, as gatorade said - Win from within. Hope my story can help you.

Relax, it's just relapse

Up late it's a late night

Canceled date night 

Because I hate life

And I fear light

So I'm up late tryna escape life

Devil in my ear

Confirming all my fears

"Relax it's just a relapse

It's like a Lambo to a C class

Your girl will give you a free pass

It's all part of your recovery"- that's 

When you can't see that

You can't see passed 

All your memories past

Because dopamine's crashed

And now wifey reacts

She cries while he laughs

You know where you're gonna be

Right here burning and alone like me

So go ahead and relax

Just chill

Let's see how many lives this lust kills

Let's see how many times this lust kills 

You'll be disconnected from your own will

Will

You?

Keep laying down dude

And those flaxen cords will turn to chains

Now you no longer run your brain

Now they tell you that relapse is part of the process

But repentance is a change of heart, mind and thought process

So if you want to change best start with EVERYTHING

Yeah I said it EVERYTHING

You can't relax! 

There's no rest for the fearing

We can't expect another relapse

No matter what you might be hearing

In order to change

We cannot do the same

The Savior will transform you

The Savior already ransomed you

He never stopped, slowed, or quit

Not when He was lashed, spat on or hit

Not when He was crowned with thorns

Did He look above and scorn

Not when He carried His cross

And said He forgave those who were lost

Not when He was hung from a tree

And saved every one of us to eternity

Stabbed through his feet which they should have kissed

Tortured by his creative hands and his wrists

Not when He gave up the ghost and rose up again

Did He give up His mission to save His friends

No excuses, we can't do this no more!

Dissect your life, sincerely Step 4

With every single choice that you make

Remember, my brother that exaltation's at stake

So when you hear the whisper to relax

Say "Sorry not sorry, but it's not just a relapse" 

I'm done with your fake, no more mistakes

I'm goin up, exaltation's at stake

Quake

- Eroc

*P.S. I fully understand that relapse is a part of recovery and I am not saying any of us are perfect. I failed many times before I began to truly understand recovery. It wasn't until I understood what was at stake, I understood what I was fighting for. Each thought towards my addiction was another step away from eternal life. Away from my wife. Away from my children. Away from my Savior. Away from my God. I had to stop giving myself excuses, acting like it was ok to relapse again and again. No more excuses, repentance is change, and it definitely is not easy. But I heard a brother say once "I will not yield, I will not go back." This is my eternal goal and I am in the captain of my soul!

An Action Man: -thesis-

In 2 Nephi and Doctrine & Covenants there is a line about creation for "things to act and things to be acted upon." Now, at the top of the food chain, we are actors. Well, not actors, but we should be the ones to act. To do. To be. We are the ones that must do. Be priesthood men! Be action men! 

-thesis- position

Men hold your positions

We will not be moved nor requisitioned

Fighting for a mission

verses minions of the unholy definition

I plan to remand

I stand and demand

A battle for peace and

The battle for me and

My fam, my friends, my home

If true we will stand alone

But ye will not be left alone

Because once you get out of the friend zone

You’ll learn to kneel down in the end zone

Where you from?

Who you with?

Porsche 911

In our PASG meeting last week the facilitator told this parable about going to the car dealership:

"Earlier this week I went to get some service done to my car. While waiting for it to be done I noticed a very ugly sound coming from outside and up came rolling a very high end, high maintenance sports car. It came up screeching and smoking from underneath the hood and as it parked in front of the office out came a very upset middle aged man. You could tell he was well off (One because the car was a Porsche 911 and Two because his attire was all name brand.) This vehicle usually prices at around $90 - $100,000 depending on the package and the poor stallion had been turned into a hacking and sputtering donkey. The man was irate and said "I've had this car less than 2 years and it is doing this?! UNACCAPTABLE!" The mechanic calmed the man down enough to get some basic questions in about the vehicle. "Well sir, when was the last time you had an oil change?" The main snorted and retorted "With the amount I paid for this car, why should I have to have an oil change?!" 

The facilitator laughed at this predicament but then thought of us and the step we were on which was Step 10: Daily Accountability. The last 3 steps in this wonderful program are called 'Maintenance Steps' for a reason. In an ideal case, by the time you've truly worked the program and gotten to step 6, your addiction should have subsided and character weaknesses showing. It is now time to maintain the precious, clean vehicle that you have fought for. If this man would have brought in the fancy car like he was supposed to, every couple thousand miles, then he would have seen that there were some things that needed correcting. Especially oil to lubricate the metal in the engine! We are the same. There need to be regular check ups or we will end up destroying ourselves inside and out. Daily accountability is essential to not only sobriety, but progression in the gospel. 

Don't be like this guy

Be like this guy

Alma 5: 26 "And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?"

Trust in Love

I trust in love but love is not trust

If I come from above then Love i must

I know I can love you but trust can’t be rushed

I can’t look back at the mistake called lust

Why is virginity now a fable?

She kept all her horses in the stable

You gave her a bland label and call her Aunt Mabel

Because you feel Cain and obviously aren’t Abel

To control yourself or even remember protection

Remember to not do it at all is the best selection

Because we start to lose sight of true affection

Intimacy and love is up to individual discretion

But nowadays sex is love and that is some

folks profession. The oldest

Lust is alone and love stays together

I cannot lust because love is forever

Still no trust

Someone once told me not to seek for trust but for safety
No matter how much I lust for that trust lately
I just gotta wait, I just gotta wait see
My wife's approval is the only thing I'm chasing
But it should be the glory of the Father
The story goes farther
Wait a little longer
Get a little stronger
How does one help change another's frame of mind
When they know their gender helped frame your mind?
They stained your mind
They chained your mind
Let's get it back!
Fight with me
Not against me


This thing isn't over
But I'll never stop

I normally rhyme more but right now I'm hurting. I have never been so happy in my life on so many levels! I am 2 weeks from hitting a year sober, just received a contract for full time employment with benefits, just set plans for an amazing summer trip, wife just got called into the relief society presidency and we have been fighting harshly. The irony is astonishing and appalling. The emotional pain is more than I've born before. She hurts so she hurts. I hurt her and it hurts me. Irony.

Recovery is real and I will testify to that with all my heart because I haven't been at this level of control since I was early in my mission. I have changed and am changing daily. Recovery is real, but the devil is too. His work and his workers are everywhere. I know this and she knows this now as well. It tears at her because she sees it EVERYWHERE too. If I see it or she thinks I see it then the day is ruined, she's pissed, and I'm an awful husband. The only thing is, this wonderful program the church has created helps change not only your mind but your thought process about thinking. I now have the ability to take my thoughts and manage them, not be destroyed by them.

She doesn't get that. I pray hard everyday that she will. I pray the Lord will help her and that she will accept it. It will happen, I know it will.