Afraid of the Dark (Part 3)

Greeted with smiles yet my heart beating in my throat

I tried to say hello but I froze I choked

So the meeting began, and I hadn’t yet ran

Feeling like a child who just needed someone to hold my hand

Then the sharing portion started aint no way I’d go

A man raised his hand and said “Hi my names Michael.

I’m very happy to be here because I’m an addict.

For over 20 years i’ve been at it,

I thought at first it was merely a personal problem

10 years later I felt like I was raised in Sodom.

Surrounded by fire

Falling from heaven

Resounded by liars

Falling from heaven

But the flames wouldn’t hurt the skin

You see I was perpetually burning within

Melting from sin, melting my kin

I got introduced to it by a friend

And didn’t think much on it because I was only 10

Little did I know this was the beginning of the end

Little did I know that it was the only time again, again

and again

I closed my eyes and it was 10 years later

Thought I was in love but was a hater

I wasn’t really a hater

I was a procrastinator, a masturbator, a fascinator

I only thought of what I need now, not later

Notice how often I said I?

You could say I was looking at the man in the mirror

Staring at myself and what was behind me always came clearer

But I couldn’t see all that was in front of me

Future, friends, and family loving me

I chose to turn my life over to my Father’s care

Now this burden is not gone but I can bear

He’s made me strong, but not perfect

I testify this fight is not easy but it’s worth it . . .

Afraid of the Dark (Part 2)

All I needed was some motivation

A friend or a bishop someone to help end my self alienation

They pointed me to a group who’ve been thru the same

No pressure when they only use their first names

But when he told me You should join, it could change your life

I nodded my head in agreement but I was terrified inside

If I said it out loud, that would make this thing real

I’d have to step up to the darkness and tell em how I feel

But the downs hit so much harder than the ups

Tired of the isolation, the depression, the lust

Feeling helpless in the car outside the meeting

Crying to myself feeling my heart was bleeding

But with a prayer an ounce of courage blazed in my heart

I have to handle this now, Lord I’m ready to start!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step

Well that first step into the building was the hardest step yet . . .
.

Afraid of the Dark (Part 1)

Our fears take many shapes, have many levels, and many sizes. I had this fear that lasted for the majority of my life. I was afraid of being left alone. Afraid of not knowing who I was. Afraid of not being loved. I was afraid of the dark. Not really of the dark but of the fact there was no light in it. I couldn’t see what was in there! I was afraid of the unkown. It wasn’t until I chose to have faith in what I did know than worry about what I didn’t that I really saw change in my life. Faith/Fear all day.

I chose this. I did it, it was me. I was the one to recant my desire to be free

The desire to be cared for, to be loved, it overpowers all

The fact that I know exactly who I am, and who I’m supposed to be

Destroys my confidence and brings me down further in the gulf when I fall

Seething with hate, all pointed inward

Welcoming death willingly, please let me die

Praying to find the Father’s vineyard

Death to resurrect, please let me die

Darkness around, darkness surrounded

Darkness abounds when darkness expounded

Darkness I HATE YOU!! LET ME BE!!

I’d rather be blind than to see what I’ve seen!

But the scenes are burned into my memory

Their force is so much stronger than I’ll ever be

Please save me! I can’t do this alone!!

Lord, if only you had a phone

But if You did would I even dial?

I’m scared to talk to you before my trials

My faith wavers when I don’t hear you

Do I lack faith or do I actually just fear you?

So often I want to just give up

I’m so down I can’t even look up

I’m burnt by the absence of peace of mind

Lord, please take this disgusting piece of mine

So with weakness of mind I fall, yet again

Welcoming "old friends" lonely and depressed, that threat again

They welcome me so coldly

They embrace me so boldly

They hold me

They know me

They recommend I stay with them all night and all day

“It’s so easy,” they say “just sit here and waste away.”

Then a still small voice comes to blast my doubts

Says “You’ve got yourself in this, and with my help, you can get yourself out.”

I Change My Mind

There is a point in addiction where we give up our power of choice. When fallen enough we've given up our ability to choose. But when we make a single choice everyday to trust.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding."

If we trust in the Lord, we know we aren't in charge of our lives, but we are in charge for our lives. We have been given this life. But it is ours to give.

"Decisions determine destiny."

Every choice is ours to make. As soon as you say you can or can't do something, you're right. It's your choice to make something be or not. Take responsibility. Stop saying "I can't help it!" Because you're making it true. Change your mind. You know what to do for you. What will you be today?

Process of thought typically is ought or not

No matter the spot I cannot be bought

Stop many thoughts coming from the depth

I am if I think that I’m inept

I’m right if I don’t think I have regrets

What matters is what I ponder next

Can I play the guitar? or maybe the drums?

Is that who you are if you live in the slums?

You can teach you to fly you just need to know why

Who you are is where you’re from

Where you’re from you can become

Who you become is what you believe and do

What you believe and do is up to you

What will you choose?

I can’t do that it’s too hard!

Well, you said it

I can’t do this I don’t know where to start!

Well, you said it

I can’t control my thoughts!

Well, you said it

I can’t lie if I get caught

Well, you said it

I can overcome this

Well, you said it

I have done this

Well, you said it

But I don’t have to be!

Who I used to be!

Now you get it!

I choose my life!

I love my wife!

I build a house!

I do not fear!

I do not doubt!

I choose what I do every time!

I choose to fight!

I choose to climb!

I choose what I do every time!

I am free!

I change my mind!

I will follow Christ until I have life

I trust in His mercy

I’m done reversing

But rather rehearsing

for the theater of Heaven

Let me be leaven

I choose to follow you

Isn’t it about time?

I change My mind

Denial

" . . . deny yourselves of all ungodliness"

Most of us think of denial as a state of being. Having opposition to some truth that is injuring us that we are not willing to be honest with ourselves about. My wife might say:

"Eroc, you're addicted to cereal. It's a problem! You really need to stop, I love you!"

Then I might say:

"No, I am not addicted. I just love the sugary milky goodness of breakfast dessert at all times of the day!"

Then she retorts "3 bowls after 10 p.m.! That is not okay!"

Denial.

Also, true story. That actually happened.  I wonder why I can't get my lower abs back. Well that's probably a good reason. If we are what we eat then I am various meats and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Lots of it. Or Berry Colossal Crunch (Walmart brand, way better than Cap'n, doesn't tear up the top of your mouth). So comes the lesson that I must learn time and time again. Sometimes you must deny yourself. When I look back denied meant Dikembe Mutombo tossing people and wagging the finger. "No, no, no"

Andy Mineo once said 

"This year's gonna be different, I think my favorite word will be no.

Opportunities come and they go but none of them are worth my soul."

Free agency is the greatest gift we have been given but we must use it wisely. President Thomas S. Monson said "Decisions determine destiny."

Am I destined to be chubby because they advertise cereal too well? Or am I addicted? Should I stop eating so much and focus more on fitness? I choose what I will be. I change my mind. No one else is in charge of me but me. In truth the decisions are already made for us. Heavenly Father has given us the plan and laid it out in front of us. 

The scriptures are the map. The Lord is the key. The prophets are the pen. All we have to do is follow. We choose to follow and He promises to give us everything. 

2 Nephi 2:27 "Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself."

All things are given which are expedient unto man. We have been given everything that we need! It's all right there for us to take, but will we take it? Will you deny yourself and choose the right?

I had a friend in high school who was freakishly big and strong for his age. Freshman year he was 6'4 and 240 pounds whoa big fella! We was also coordinated and athletic, not just big. He had the opportunity to play football and basketball at the JV level and practice with varsity. It was expected for him to go D1 on q full ride scholarship somewhere. All he had to do was work hard in the classroom and on the court while steering clear of the evils of the world. 

Would he take the full ride or no? He chose the easier route. Which was to talk back to coaches, get caught up with gangs, and then drugs. He didn't do his school work. He stopped going to practice. He hung more and more with the wrong crowd. This boy could be in the NFL by now, but instead I see him at 24 hour fitness trying to lose his beer belly. He is trying to support 2 children from 2 women and still trying to overcome addictions. He is tattooed, overweight, and unhappy. Instead of denying himself the easy, worldly things, he denied himself a better life. 

The Lord wants to give us a full ride. We've actually already signed the contract and He will deliver! We just have to uphold our side. How will He put us on the field at the Rose Bowl if we stopped playing football? If we stopped practicing? If we didn't work out? If we didn't have grades? If we didn't put in the work? 

It takes work. Consistent, sincere effort. If we expect a heavenly home how can we expect not to live a heavenly life? 

Deny yourself ungodliness accept His love and His plan. We have a scholarship for Heaven, live worthy of it. Eat less spiritual cereal. Work out for your salvation. Work out your salvation.

Moroni 10:32 "Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ."

Beast mode when you deny ungodliness